sex is the answer

a conversation with some friends the other day revolved around relationships and the disastrous nature of friend 1's most recent. friend 2 dumbed it down to her (friend 1's) choice to have sex outside of marriage. he went further to say how strong his r'ship was because he didn't have sex before marriage. i was a little stunned because knowing both of these friends very well i know that both of them have done almost identical things when it comes to r'ships so wondered how he could say this. when pushed his answer was simplistic and scary so i use the term 'friend 2' loosely. apparently it is only sex when pregnancy is a possibility. so oral, anal and hand jobs are all apparently not sex. i have an inkling the creator god may beg to differ but this was his stance. now friend 1 is female and she too was a little disturbed because 2 of those three options seem particularly intimate and if not sex then what?
i, being the eternal wooden spoon, stirred the pot and said then technically so long as i use a condom or some other form of contraception i have not had sex. but he rightfully pointed out contraception is not 100% effective so therefore you still are having sex.

sex and christianity is a minefield. i would like to share my view as someone who is not an expert in r'ships and probably have been less than positive in my pre-marital relations.

the creator god made a great many things in this world to be enjoyed and as a bisexual person i would argue strongly sex is one of these great triumphs of creation. however i have also discovered the greater the pleasure the more intense the pain when we get it wrong.

sexual intimacy out side of commitment is, in my belief not a good thing. but let me be clear about my use of the word commitment. 'friends with benefits' a label used alot by Gen X,Y & net is actually a commitment whether we choose to see it or not. the commitment is not one of love neccessarily but that clear boundaries exist on how close the relationship becomes. one night stands are not an example of this by the way! if you have never experienced the 'friends with benefits' it can be hard to explain but effectively when the urge gets to much to resist you go to someone you trust to 'release the tension'. safer in a lot of ways than other options and it is not generally morally bankrupt people that enter into them. in my experience the opposite though you are of course welcome to disagree.

living together is also a commitment that is more than sneaking around in cars or behind peoples back as it allows people close to you to celebrate the commitment with you and lets be honest the only reason we have the weddings of today is because 500-700 years ago we got jealous of royalty and decided everyone should be allowed to do it.
marriage may be the ideal in the fundamentalists world but i see a much more grey picture than their proposed black and white guidelines. (the fundamental aspect crosses boudaries of religion by the way - these attitudes are not exclusive to christianity and stonings still occur around the world even now if a woman is caught in anything defined as adulterous. n.b. men are rarely stoned as the stance seems to be we have no strength of will and it was the woman who led us into error)

the black and white stance for me is scary as it leads to secrets and lies. people unwilling, or unable, to be honest about their particular r'ship therefore pretending it is often something it is not. please remeber my belief that all gross generalizations are incorrect. it is in my experience that there is more going on behind closed doors or on front and backseats of cars than is readily admitted to. there is also of course the option of denial and manipulation which redefines what is or is not sex, see president clinton for this example. the problem for me in the black and white approach is that humanity has always managed to find a justifiable loophole and if others are caught doing what it is we want the retribution seems to out way the crime. christ seems to have had an interesting view on this and i often wish i could have had an internal monologue written of what he was thinking while drawing in the sand during the 'infamous' woman caught in adultery story. John 8:3-12

i am of the belief that all r'ships need to be nurtured and cared for with honesty one of the core elements and if a couple choose to be dishonest with those around them then how is it they can know they will be honest with each other, let alone themselves. oral, anal and hand jobs are as sexual as a passionate kiss i suspect.

if we have to continually debate the merits of sexuality and appropriateness i ask that we reframe it in a modern context and seek the bible and gospels for guidance not condemnation.

i wonder what price we ultimately pay for perfect pictures that disguise the truth.
i wonder how we are affected by the sexual nature of our current western society.
i wonder if we are truly open and honest about sexuality how high the price will be corporately and personally